Let's Not Be Too Hasty
Narrator: The yellow light hit Rivers square in his big snout, and then, nothing happened.
Narrator: Until the TGoL AllStars all realized how slowly Rivers was now moving.
Render Girl: Slow movement effects aside for the moment, I want to know why Jonathan has three horns all of a sudden.
Jonathan: Have I not always had three horns?
Render Girl: Not that I can remember. Narrator?
Narrator: But before Narrator could answer the question, the true power of the yellow beam from the third horn of the minotaur made itself known.
True Third Power: Muahahahahaha! Despair, ye mortals! For I have been awakened!
Streebless: Oh no! what could that mean!?
True Third Power: It’s simple, my dear spoon.
Enrique: Not a spoon.
True Third Power: What?
QM Boy: He’s not a spoon. You’re thinking of Spoonlad.
True Third Power: I know; that’s who I’m talking to.
Singing Sea Bear Rivers: No, you were talking to Streebless. It’s a completely different character.
True Third Power: Seriously? Wow, I’m sorry.
Streebless: It’s OK.
True Third Power: It’s just that you are so similar, with the whole….
Streebless: I SAID IT’S OK!
True Third Power: Right. Anyway, as I was saying.
Narrator: But before the True Third Power could explain, he erupted into thousands of flaming fire balls of death and despair.
True Third Power: Nooo…I wanted to explaaaaain….
Rosalito: Dios mio!
Render Girl: Should we be moving out of the way, or what?
Necrostreeb: Aren’t you supposed to be the leader?
Narrator: Don’t bother. I’ll tell you all what happens.
Render Girl: OK, do it.
Narrator: I’m going to.
Render Girl: So do it already.
Narrator: I will!
Render Girl: I’m waiting.
Narrator: ENOUGH. You all die! That’s right. Every last one of you gets burned to a crisp and the story is over.
Render Girl: Apparently not.
Bar-Bar: I’m still here… BASTARDS.
Rivers: And so am I…wait, why am I back in my original form?
Render Girl: You mean Apul form, or the one right after that?
Rivers: I mean my ORIGINAL form. I was never Apul.
Render Girl: Right. Hey, wait. Why haven’t I reverted, too?
Rivers: My guess is that the fires burned away everything except my original form. Since you technically had your man parts switched with QM Boy, and she appears to have burned to a crisp…
Render Girl: You mean… they incinerated my…
Bar-Bar: HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!! This is the best day of my life!
Render Girl: ….
Narrator: There was a time when my narration actually meant something. When I said something, it actually happened. Why are you three still alive?
Render Girl: That’s what I want to know. What’s the point of continuing to live?
Rivers: Oh come on, we’ve got a lot left to live for!
Render Girl: Easy for you to say. You still have a penis.
Bar-Bar: You may need a microscope to see it, but its there! ASS BASTARD BASTARDS!!
Render Girl: Let’s try to keep the juvenile jokes to a minimum. This is The Gates of Life. It’s a serious drama about real people. We don’t have time to waste on fourth grade humor.
Narrator: Here’s an idea. Fight to the death.
Rivers: What? Why?
Narrator: Well, don’t you all want to be the leader?
Render Girl: I don’t care anymore.
Narrator: Well you want to die anyway, so why not fight to the death?
Render Girl: Good point—I’m in.
Rivers: But…my original form never wanted to be the leader!
Narrator: Well then you’d better hope you don’t have to fight in round one!
Which Gate Do You Choose?
Old Friends: Render Girl vs. Rivers
Rivers: We don’t need to do this!
Render Girl: What else is there to do?
Rivers: We need to keep living! To complete our quest!
Render: The only quest I have is to cut off your manhood and make you feel the infinite sadness I feel before I release you into the arms of the reaper.
Rivers: You are more emo than I am now that your penis is gone.
Old Enemies: Render Girl vs. Bar-Bar
Render Girl: Works for me.
Old Friends...wait…enemies? Apul doesn’t count!
Rivers: OK, fine. It’s fusion time.