Paul (paulmeetsworld) wrote in gamecola,

The Ten Reasons (6-10)

By Michael Gray

Last month's column was such a success that I'm doing it again! Well, actually, it wasn't that much of a success, but no one noticed that this column is basically the same as Super Thumbs, except that I write about only one game. And, since no one complained about this column being the same as Super Thumbs, that means I get to do it again!

Captain Michael says... Thumbs up!

But wait! I write about ten things, while Eric only writes about five. That means I do twice as much work as him!

Captain Michael says... Thumbs down.

Right, so, this month I'm going to talk about Donkey Kong 64.

Captain Michael says... Thumbs up! Let's see the ten reasons.

Reasons I like Donkey Kong 64

The Donkey Kong gang takes it to the fridge.

1. The DK Rap

"DK! Donkey Kong! Huh! DK! DONKEY KONG IS HERE!"

Donkey Kong 64 starts off with all the characters performing in a rap video. Normally, I don't like rap music, because the music hurts my ears and I can't understand what the singers are saying, which, as it turns out, is usually just a bunch of curse words. But the DK rap ROCKS MY SOCKS, and if you haven't already, watch it!

2. Big Chunky

One of the cooler secondary abilities of this game is Chunky Kong's ability to become bigger. What you do is jump in a barrel, and Chunky magically becomes three times bigger. Then he can plough through all the levels without getting hurt for a limited amount of time. A pretty awesome invincibility mode, if you ask me.

Captain Michael says... Thumbs up!

3. Ponytail Twirl

Another cool secondary move is Tiny Kong's ponytail twirl. See, Tiny has two big ponytails coming out of her head, as opposed to Diddy Kong, who wears that red cap to cover up his bald spot. So what does Tiny do with her hair? Besides hitting enemies with it, she can jump in the air and twirl around so her ponytails act as a helicopter. I know that sounds like a drug-induced idea, but it's actually pretty awesome.

4. Donkey Kong is Armed and Dangerous

Normally, Donkey Kong is a pretty peaceful guy who'd rather eat bananas than fight; but, in this game, he's a card-carrying member of the NRA. Yes: Donkey and his friends all have guns here.

Of course, the guns are G-rated and shoot harmless things like grapes, peanuts and feathers instead of bullets. But, there are also two not-so-harmless guns—the bazookas that shoot coconuts and pineapples. A bazooka that shoots pineapples? Good thing those don't exist in real life.

Cranky insults the game's storyline.

5. Cranky Kong

Cranky Kong is Donkey Kong's father, and he's just as cranky as his name indicates. Throughout the game, he constantly insults Donkey Kong and his friends for being stupid and useless. Normally that'd be annoying, but Cranky is actually kind of funny. For an example, check out the above excerpt from the game manual. The entire manual is like that, and it's pretty good, so if you haven't read it, make sure you do.

6. Secondary Characters

I originally wanted to pick a few particular characters, like I did with Cranky, but there wasn't enough room, so I've lumped them all together. Here's the quick version of why I like them, from left to right:
# Snide: Snide has cool spy theme music.
# K. Lumsy: K. Lumsy has a cool "Hey hey!" victory dance/cheer that I like to imitate because I'm a major dork.
# Troof and Scoff: These guys aren't actually cool, but I put them in the photo anyway to take up room.
# Funky: Besides selling awesome weapons, Funky talks cool. Rock on, dude!
# Candy: She seems more out-of-place than cool, but, again, I put her in the photo to take up room.

Reasons I Hate Donkey Kong 64

7. Donkey Kong

Recognize the screenshot above? I sure do. That's because I saw it 50,000 times. It's a picture of Donkey Kong pulling the lever so he can play the arcade version of the Donkey Kong videogame .

In this game, you have to beat the arcade version of Donkey Kong twice. This SUCKS. It takes forever to beat the game even once. But that's not the crappy part: The crappy part is that, when you play it the second time, the game has been programmed differently to make it EXTRA HARDER, which is unnecessary. Did I mention you have to do this in order to beat the game? Yeah, you do. It takes at least an hour to beat this challenge, which totally sucks.

8. Jetpack Mode

Diddy Kong has a jetpack in this game, which you use a couple of times. Normally, jetpacks are cool, but the controls in jetpack mode were really hard to master, and it causes some trouble during the timed "go through all the rings" challenge at the end of the game, and in the final boss fight.

Captain Michael says... Thumbs down.

9. Racing the Bug

In Donkey Kong 64, there are a lot of races you have to compete in, but one sticks out as particularly horrible. That's right: I'm talking about the race with the bug.

In this race, you have to beat the bug to the finish line, which is difficult because the bug is faster than you, and it hurts you to touch the bug while attempting to pass it. That's not all, though. You also have to get fifty coins, which means you have to slow down and aim for the coins, which you don't have time to do because you need to be going fast to beat the bug. Either one of the challenges would have been difficult enough, but the combination of the two makes the race almost impossible to beat.

The worst part is that the bug shows up for a rematch on a later level on a course that's even harder to beat. Luckily for me, my sister likes the bug race, so I let her do it instead of doing it myself.

10. Beaver Bother!

Beaver Bother is a minigame that involves herding beavers into a hole. You have to play this minigame about three or four times in the entire game, and it gets harder each time. If you haven't played Donkey Kong 64, here's a spoiler: THIS MINIGAME SUCKS. The beavers NEVER want to go into the hole, and it literally took me several hours to defeat this minigame on the last level, where you have to play it twice.

Captain Michael says... Thumbs way, way down!

So those are the ten reasons. I didn't get enough room to mention using oranges as grenades (crazy!), some of the game's bosses (impossible!), or poor old Lanky Kong (weird!). If you want to hear about them, try reading one of the other GameCola articles that discuss Donkey Kong 64...wait, what's that? I'm the first person to talk exclusively about Donkey Kong 64 in GameCola?

Captain Michael says... Thumbs up!
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